Even if it hurts
by Kat-Anni
Summary: After all that happened, Donna just can't help but ask. Who was this Rose? Who was she and what happened to make the Doctor so upset over her? In an attempt to distract him from what happened that day at the library, she makes him go down memory lane, even if he's reluctant at first... Doctor/Rose plus Doctor/Donna-Friendship. Lots of Hurt/Comfort, Retelling and Angst. (One-Shot)


_6th of September, 2015_

 _Well hello there!_

 _I don't think the Doctor Who fandom knows me yet! I'm a German Game-Design Student and I looove writing so here we are. This is the first Doctor Who Fanfic I posted but I did post some others (going from Avatar to Percy Jackson to Merlin to Supernatural) so yeah. This was written some time ago so my level is probably better by now but I just found it again some time ago and opened it...and read it...and was completely baffled when I saw that I actually already finished this. Here it is then!_

 _This is a lot of retelling really. So it's not really about what he tells about but rather how he does it and how Donna reacts. I hope I got them both in Character, it's been a while since I watched all their episodes so just tell me if something is off. Also don't read this if you don't ship the Doctor with Rose because this will just bring you grief._

 _So that was it, enjoy! :)_

* * *

 ** _Even if it hurts…_**

 _._

 _._

 _…you_ have _to talk about it._

Donna Noble was sitting in the back of the TARDIS once again. Maybe it was becoming a habit of hers to sit in the little library to just relax from all of this. Today was a little different though. A library…that was where they had just come from. A whole planet full of books, full of knowledge. The secretary could still not quite believe all of that. She had been caught in that dream world, with her dream man and dream children and then she had just popped back into reality, realizing that she had just worried the Doctor again. Her flaming red head turned towards him now. That slim figure of a man had sunken into his chair, almost completely melting into it. The chair was just like Donna's, red and comfy, fitting into the old English fashion of the library. He was staring at the table, hands sunken into his fabulous hair and his eyes fixed on that silly sonic screwdriver of his, sitting on the table, motionless, not active. Donna couldn't make out his face completely, but it was obvious that the Timelord was really deep in thought. Somehow, she was sure he was thinking of River and of her sacrifice and that book that had contained his future which he was forbidden to read from.

His face had that look again now. The redhead had noticed it on him before. Every time somebody died on their trips, even if it was not even his fault, he'd hide his emotions –at least the sad ones- until he was back on his ship and sure nobody but maybe Donna could see him. But this one was even different, worse, so to speak. The first time she had noticed that look had been when he had brought her back to her wedding the day they met. Worried and furious, she had asked about that companion of his because she was afraid to turn up the same way –lost.

That top had ticked her off back then. She had grabbed it and shown it to him, almost holding it directly in his face. And that's where it had hit her. He hadn't been abusive or whatsoever towards that other woman. That way he had gazed at that top, completely horrified and almost…shattered… No, it was certainly not his choice that she was gone. Later that night, she had watched him again, as he was absently gazing at a dancing couple at the wedding. Just by looking at him though, you could tell he wasn't really watching them but his mind was far away, most probably even with her. After that crazy thing with the spider, where she sure was of more use than him most of the time, she finally found the guts to ask him about that mysterious woman. Well she did before but he would just change topic, like it was too painful to talk about and he kept avoiding it completely. In all that self-created snow that caught itself in his strangely spiky hair, he had looked so sad, so very sad when telling the woman in the wedding dress that particular name.

 _Her name was Rose._

Donna sighed and leaned back her head into the chair so her gaze would go up to the ceiling. His voice had almost died when speaking it out. In a way, only hearing it had been sad somehow.

Rose. It was kind of beautiful, that name. Even though she had been furious with the Doctor about it, fearing she would be 'lost' soon as well because he could take her anywhere and dumb her anywhere, right now, the secretary was beginning to become curious. Who was this girl, that she left the Doctor, who was so immune to seemingly everything, so ….well, broken?

Because that was what he was, broken. Maybe he was hiding it most of the time but Donna knew from experience, that one couldn't mask something like that forever. And If he kept hiding it, kept letting it feed upon his inner self, one day, it would really break him apart. She had no idea how far gone that was now. How many months or years maybe even. For this particular man, time wasn't really what it normally was. But judging by his current behavior, she'd guess it wasn't that far away. He'd become better with Martha, yes. But not completely. Not fully.

So Donna decided to speak to him. Right now, they were both completely miserable. For different reasons, yes, but he had a double burden. If not even more than that. And she now knew him good enough to realize he would never let anybody else take part of his misery. It was the man he was, never giving away a burden, always trying to shoulder it all himself.

"So… where to next?" she began, breaking the almost complete silence in the room. In the distance, you could only hear the TARDIS working, even though Donna had no idea where it took them anyway. The Doctor looked up now, still dazed but he slowly seemed to focus on Donna herself.

"W-what? Oh erm…I thought I'd set it for home for now." Was his short answer to her question and he drove his fingers through his hair, leaning further back into the chair, legs stretched out so only his heels were touching the floor. Donna cocked an eyebrow.

"Alright, fine. Did you figure out by now who exactly Professor Song was?" she asked and tried not to sound harsh again, like she tended to do most of the time. The Doctor just kept staring at the ceiling while Donna had sat up.

"Nope. I have no idea." He admitted, popping the p in the beginning. _Great, now what, Donna? Your conversation starter wasn't really convincing, was it?_ She sighed again and leaned forward so she could properly see his face. Finally, she had enough of the thinking and decided to just blurt it out like she mostly did.

"Hey, what I always wanted to ask you…that Rose girl. Who exactly was she? What happened?" Immediately, she felt a little bad. But only a little. She had already said worse things to people, this was nothing in comparison. Still, from his reaction, it was clear that she had scratched a bad topic. First, he was still as a plank –which was a strangely correct description, with him being so slim and all that brown. His eyes widened for a very short second, until his face turned forcedly emotionless again and he sat up, looking away from her in the direction of one of the shelves. He did answer her this time around. Maybe he was too tired to come up with a different topic so quickly.

"Sorry Donna but…I don't think I'm in the mood to talk about that right now." His voice had suddenly dropped a few levels and Donna was hardly able to understand him, even though it was so quiet in this room. Afraid she would ask further, the Doctor started to get up now, ready to walk out of the room and away from that conversation. Talking about Rose was difficult enough but right now, that thing with River was still in his head and he really didn't feel like talking at all, much less about that specific topic. His present companion had prepared for that though. Before he could step anywhere, she grabbed him by the arm and forcefully pulled him back into the chair. Slim as he was, he was hardly able to react properly before he was already falling back into the chair. His face looked stunned now and he stared at her, obviously astonished.

"Sorry but you're not getting away that easily." She said, eyebrows raised at him. The Doctor stared at her some more, even more puzzled now.

"No, Donna, really. I already lost someone today that is obviously important to me in the future. And so many others…Why today, I'd gladly tell you _everything_ on any other day, so could you please just…wait?" finally, he was now looking at her, almost pleadingly. He had slightly raised his voice, mimicking her that he was not ready for this right now. If Donna wasn't like she always was, she would probably have given in. But he knew her and so it was clear that she wouldn't.

"No, Doctor. You know it doesn't matter when. You just don't want to talk about it. I think it's not even important _when_ I ask. But look." She took a deep breath and rested her hand on his lower arm, gazing into his eyes directly, just for comfort and to make her point clear.

"Even if it hurts, and I know it does, Doctor. But one day, you'll have to talk about it. It'll consume you from the inside and whatever the hell happened, you will never be able to let it go fully if you don't talk it out." She waited for a response but didn't get any. His face just slipped and it turned sad again. This time he was not turning away but he was still very silent. Donna waited, she didn't know what to add. A few seconds passed, and she could swear they felt longer than that. Why was she so driven by excitement? It was probably just something simple like 'I liked her and she didn't like me back so she left' or something. But then again, nothing was ever that simple with the Doctor.

The Timelord himself had to think about this possibility. Today was already a day of loss and to talk about Rose now…the only human he had developed such strong feelings for... Then again, the things he did to Martha without noticing…he never really told her about Rose either and if he looked back now, she did deserve to know. To know that this kiss he gave her was really not meant like she may have thought and that his heart was really not ready to let go of Rose yet.

Donna on the other hand had decided to be patient in this matter. So she waited, until he finally gave in.

"Fine. Maybe…maybe you're right." He admitted but still pulled his arm away from hers to sit in his chair properly. Donna nodded and put on a reassuring and content smile. The Doctor inhaled through the nose heavily and exhaled through his mouth.

"Okay, where do I start…" he looked up to the books on the shelves and was seemingly lost again. Where in the name of the whole wide universe would he start describing Rose Marion Tyler?

Donna was baffled. So early in the conversation? Donna lifted an eyebrow and decided to interrupt his thoughts before he completely wandered off.

"How about what she looks like? How'd you meet her?" she suggested helpfully and he really seemed to wake up.

"Right, meeting point. Earth, London, 2005, 4th of March, somewhat in the evening. Kinda saved her life from those strange…living plastic figures that were trying to kill her." He explained briefly. Good, no mental or emotional breakdown so far. Well, that were only facts, so Donna didn't give him credit for that. Still, she could imagine the scenario and snorted.

"Typical day for you then." She commented, not noticing she was talking out loud until he looked at her weirdly.

"Yes, indeed. Anyway, the things tracked her down to her apartment where she lived with her mother. Oh, she was just 19 by the way so that's not weird or anything. And I was still in another body back then, had those weird long ears." He blabbered on like this was one of those stories he liked to tell about other planets. But Donna had to pause there for a moment.

"Whoa, wait. First, other body? What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? And second, 19, seriously? You took a 19 year old girl with you? How the heck is that not sick, since you're what, 900?" she stared at him and he suddenly smiled.

"903, actually. She once called it 'A hell of an age gab'." He gave away a small laughter and Donna had to smile as well. Obviously, Rose hadn't minded the gab despite it being big. The Doctor continued. "Tell you about the body thing later. Annnnd, I didn't want to take her neither at first too but then the fantastic things happened that day…" he seemed to have lost track again, wandering in that time and space with his enormous mind. But he was still telling her so it was alright..she guessed. Because he had begun to talk really fast again, so she had to try harder to keep track of his words at all.

"She was in that restaurant with her boyfriend, who had been captured by the living plastic creature already so he was basically living plastic himself, not really her boyfriend. I had met her a third time in 24 hours, since the creatures had her scent and knew I was involved. Anyway! I got her out of there, tracked the signal down, she was mad at me because I didn't tell her anything about me and because I kinda pulled off her boyfriends head. I finally gave in and told her I wasn't human, took her into the TARDIS. She had a pretty good reaction to all of that, actually. Far better than most. We got to the alien base, she took care of her boyfriend, I was almost killed by the plastic creatures and then suddenly, she changed her mind and just like that, the girl took out all the plastic creatures and tossed the poison into the pit, rescuing me and the planet in the process. Then I flew her home, while her boyfriend was downright scared of me, she kept pretty level headed and I suggested she could come, travel through space etc. After I mentioned it goes through time as well, she just grinned and hopped on. Am I supposed to refuse her there, just because of her age? Well I didn't quite think so back then." By now, the Doctor even seemed excited to talk about it, but even though he smiled and looked in the distance, there was still that awareness on his face that it were all memories now, which transformed it back to sad again.

"Still sounds like a pretty normal day with you." Donna joked to shake up this sad mood hanging in the air. The Doctor managed a smile and looked almost thankful.

"You still didn't answer me the question on how she looked though." She threw in and leaned back a little. Since the Timelord seemed to take this pretty well, she figured it was alright…for now. Now he looked at her, popping his head to the right and then nodded.

"Right. Sorry. Er, she had well, blonde hair. About shoulder length. Her eyes were of a light brown and she had that giant smile and mouth. Not bad big, I actually think it was really cute. It showed so much when she smiled. Oh and her smile was magnificent. A-and she smelled of…yeah, how do I describe the-"

"OKAY, I got it. She was gorgeous. Don't start to daydream on me. So she was blonde and cute. And you two traveled, yes? Like we do now, always searching the danger and running into aliens? And she had to hit you once in a while to stop you from screwing up?" Donna tried to lift the mood a bit but the Doctor suddenly looked a little sadder. His smile remained though but it looked more nostalgic than anything else.

"Yes. Indeed, Rose was the one who changed me the most, I guess. Rose had that ability to love everything and everyone around her. When she first met a Darlek for example, she tried to make it better." He laughed as if that was a crazy thought and then went on. "She showed me when to be forgiving and kind and even though it was dangerous, she was never the one to scream and run but rather to stand and fight, no matter the circumstances. Still, she was different from you or Martha. It just needed a few words from her and I'd get the point. It was strange, how she managed that." He shook his head in thought and Donna rolled her eyes.

"Yeah well, that's what we are for, right? You stupid dimwit would end up dead on some bloody planet otherwise. I bet you worried her to death at some point just like you do with probably everybody who ever knew you." She laughed dryly but her joke didn't succeed. The Timelord stared at her blankly until he finally looked down at his hands.

"I probably did, yes. Not only once. You know, she took the biggest risk just to save me once. You don't know that yet but the TARDIS is actually alive, it has a heart right under the control room which contains the part of the time vortex and the energy of a star bigger than your sun. Nobody's supposed to see it though, it consumes you and kills you in the end. We ran into the whole Darlek Empire a few years ago –long story- and I sent her back in time so she was save. Naturally, she would protest and cry et cetera but I thought that in the end, she'd be happy. But she did something else. Rose Tyler went and opened up the TARDIS, looked inside and absorbed part of the vortex into her own brain so she could delete the emergency program and return to me. There she just eliminated the enemies with one swing of a hand and almost died in the process. I was able to get the energy out of her in the end by kissing her but not even I was able to contain it. It killed me so when we were back in the TARDIS, I had to regenerate." Like always when telling his stories, the Doctor waved his hands around in dramatic gestures. When coming to the rescue thing though and that Rose almost died, he somehow became serious. Donna lifted an eyebrow. She hadn't thought that he'd go into detail like that, telling her that he kissed Rose to save her. The Doctor was silent now though, probably thinking about the moment so the secretary tried to get him out of it.

"So what was it like, the traveling with her? What'd you go explore?" she leaned forward a bit because she had to catch his attention away from him daydreaming. The Timelord looked up at her and stared into her eyes for a brief, confusing moment. Then he took a deep breath and sighed.

"I guess that's hard to describe…we were traveling for two whole years, I showed her so much, we met so many species and nice people. Also not so nice ones of course." He paused and seemed to think about something. Finally, he nodded.

"You know what, I'll just show you." He decided and leaned forwards, stretching out his hands. Donna wanted to slap them away but she saw that he knew what he did so she trusted him for now. The Timelord lifted three of his fingers and rested them on Donna's temples, closing his eyes. The redhead did the same and suddenly, images flashed through her mind like a photo show, showing flashes of moments as the Doctor showed her pieces of his life with Rose Tyler.

A young girl smiled at her with a wide smile that seemed to be full of love, her tongue caught between her teeth playfully. She laughed her heart out while her and the Doctor lay on the floor of the TARDIS, they had fallen down from a landing and the laugh echoed in Donna's brain. Other times were shown, times they just travelled and looked at things, Dinosaurs, waterfalls of crystal, situations where they laughed about funny creatures or the reactions of people. At some point, there was some other guy in there she didn't know, a bald man with big ears and Donna assumed that was his previous incarnation. The images showed a family, even. Rose's mother, some dark skinned guy, a redheaded rather serious man, a handsome tall guy... There was a warm feeling spreading inside of Donna's chest. Of course, the Doctor didn't leave out the worry over her sometimes, when she got in danger or when they both did. But it was still overpowered by the way she smiled, the feeling of her hands joining his. At this moment, Donna felt like she was the Doctor and it was really confusing, a whole mass of information at once and she had the feeling it was becoming more, sound was added and her brain felt hotter.

 _How long are you going to stay with me?_

The Doctor's voice echoed in her head and she was wondering if the question was meant for her and was confused for a moment. Then she saw Rose's face and she was looking up at him, smiling again. They were holding hands like it was the most normal thing in the world, their fingers intertwined while they stood between flying dinosaurs as if it was nothing.

 _Forever._

Rose stated. Plain and simple, with no intention to back away or change her mind. And the Doctor suddenly smiled back and his face…Donna couldn't look away. His smile was so happy, so much without worry and pain. Of course he smiled too these days but this one was different, it was as if his whole heart was in it and he was pouring it out through his eyes.

Donna didn't have to witness any kissing or any making out between the two. Because it was plain and simple to her as she saw now: Rose Tyler made him happy. She made him complete. Even though to the people on earth she may have been nothing special, to him, she was. That girl had meant the world to him.

Suddenly, the images disappeared and she was back in the TARDIS, leaning back in the chair with her head burning up. She grumbled and sat up just to see that the Doctor had walked away from her over to the book shelves with his back turned towards her. He had stood up as soon as he had let go of her temples and Donna now knew why. Whatever happened, thinking back on these days with Rose in such detail was probably torture for him and she didn't need to look to know what his face looked like now. Well, he was certainly not smiling. Careful not to faint because her head was still dizzy, Donna stood up from her chair and noiselessly walked over to him. She stood slightly behind him so she still didn't see his face and he pretended to stare at the books for a while longer. Finally, she couldn't hold it in any more. Her voice was hoarse and she felt sad all of a sudden. Because that was the mood that had swung with that whole slideshow. A deep, intense sadness that was hard for her to bear. Maybe he had dug too deep but Donna now felt a tear sliding down her own face without her noticing before. She croaked forward her question now, stepping beside him.

"What happened?" her voice was extremely quiet because she felt like it was unable to work. The Doctor himself didn't answer though and he turned away again, walking back to the chair. He dropped in it and buried his face into his hands, not looking up for a while. Donna followed him and also sat down again, trying to look at his face. The Room was so quiet now it was barely bearable.

"Please Doctor, now that I saw this, I need to know. What made her go? You said she was still alive so…what the hell happened?" she stretched out her hand and gently touched the Doctor's leg with it, trying to comfort him even though she knew from what she was just shown that it was hardly possible. She had always know that he was burying some deep sadness somewhere but that it was this intense…honestly, that exceeded her imagination.

"I…there was-" he paused and took a deep breath, obviously to compose himself. Finally, he could look up properly again, sighing and finding his voice.

"There was this institute, Torchwood. Well, there still is but back then they were a bunch of useless bastards. Sorry." He apologized for the expression but quickly moved on. "Anyway. Rose and I went inside the building to investigate those ghost like things that were seen around the whole world since we got back from our last trip. I dunno, maybe you remember that time, they even had a ghost broadcast." He managed a small smile before telling more of the story.

"We got into the building with the TARDIS, I had a discussion with the chief while she investigated the inside of the science departure. Somehow, Torchwood had this Void thing in their possession. You know, the Vortex is the space between parallel universes. Yes, those exist." He informed her since Donna had stared at him like she believed he was kidding again. Since the story was hard for him to tell, she decided to not make a sarcastic comment this time and let him continue.

"It served the purpose of travel through the Void for –as we discovered- the Darleks, my arch enemies. At the same time, these ghosts turned out to be Cybermen, another enemy species of mine and both not really pleasant to deal with. A crazy fight broke loose and from another parallel universe, where the boarders were torn open by the Cybermen, making the universe really instable, Mikey –Rose's old boyfriend- and Rose's father traveled over to help. Her father is dead in this universe so it was pretty stunning for her mother to meet him. But that's not important now. We developed a plan to suck them all into the void, using these giant magnets to keep us anchored to this world. See, the void would only suck in what didn't belong in this universe, so the Daleks, the Cybermen and..well, us. I wanted to send her to the other dimension with her mother while I still could, wanted her save…" he sighed, dropping his face into his hands again.

"But she wouldn't hear it. I was glad, in a way. But she had stayed with me for so long I had feared something would happen to her. It always does. No matter how long you stay with me, you age, you have an accident, you die…and I can never stand it. I tried to detach myself from her." He laughed drily, an ironic laugh, really.

"Like I ever could." He said. "But the urge to keep her save won, just like that other time. This time though, she saw right through me. Not like her to fall for the same trick twice, after all." His smile was warm and Donna smiled with him.

"She came back and helped me suck the Daleks and Cybermen into the void. Everything went well, we held onto the magnets while our enemies were annihilated but then…" he almost choked at the sentence. Now came the difficult part, huh? Donna swallowed. She could imagine so many things going wrong with this…Did she get sucked into the void? Was she dead? But he said she was alive so…what happened? Struggling with his further speech, the Doctor waved his hand in a circling motion, finally continuing.

"One lever got loose. The whole thing shut down, our enemies would have escaped. It was the one on her side so she…" he took a deep, steadying breath "she let go of her magnet and put the lever right but…" he sank further into himself there.

"She couldn't hold on anymore, the pull was too strong and she slipped, fell back to where the void was…"

"Oh no… but you said she was alive!" Donna protested, not wanting to accept what she assumed. But the Doctor shook his head and lifted a hand to silence her and let him continue.

"No no, that's not what…her father, he had one of the void jumpers. I never figured out how he knew but he came back and caught her, then in the last second, with the last void energy, he traveled back to the parallel world. A world I can't reach." He went silent moment.

"A world I can never reach again without making both of the universes shatter to pieces." He confessed, and now Donna saw the tears in his eyes and flowing down his bowed face. She stroked his shoulder but the sadness filled her as well, made her grieve for the Doctor. What a tragedy…knowing she was alive but never being able to see her again. He was silent for a whole while and Donna didn't know what to say to him. She swallowed hard, opened her mouth but again, he interrupted her.

"I went to search for a way to talk to her, you know. As the gaps closed I burned out a supernova just so I could at least say goodbye. She was crying…of course she was crying." He laughed at his own words.

"Look at me now." He shook his head.

"The projection I produced was talk only, no touch. I wanted to hold her so badly but couldn't. I could tell it was the same with her. We talked…we only had 2 minutes. She told me her mom was pregnant again. First I thought it was her." He laughed again but Donna wasn't sure what his tone meant. Was he disappointed or just laughing at some sort of private irony? She would probably never find out. In her inner mind, the secretary tried to picture that scene.

"It was on a beach in Norway for her and in the TARDIS for me. She…." He swallowed, voice almost giving out. It seemed he couldn't really speak anymore, throat all sore.

"She told me she loved me." He confessed, a sad but also happy smile on his face. "I knew, of course. I knew for a long time. I'm not an idiot."

 _Had to point that out, didn't you_ , Donna thought but she didn't say anything.

"But I answered like one. 'Quite right too.' I said. Moron." Did he just call himself a moron? She had to file that under 'things I can't believe he actually said'. But her attention quickly snapped back to the present because suddenly, the Doctor was on his feet and walked away from her again…then back. He was pacing the giant room as if it was a small closet space, hands in his hair, anger on his face.

"I wasted our goddamn time, that's what I did. I hesitated, I fucking hesitated." He just swore….definitely a first, wow…but Donna slowly got up from her own chair and turned around to face him. He was beginning to ramble. That was the only way to describe his anger, fast pace and the way the words blurted out like nobody's business.

"I hesitated and I said her name extra careful, I said 'Rose Tyer, I..' and then the connection broke." He stopped in his track, stared at her. The tears were gone but he was devastated nonetheless. Donna could see why. He had wanted to pour out his heart in the very last moment he ever saw her and the damn connection had broken and prevented it. It was like some tragic epic lovestory full of just that much bad luck that you would believe it could only exist on television. But this was real life…this had really happened to him. And as Donna only shook her head in disbelieve, he took that as a cue to continue rambling.

"I couldn't say it and now…" he kind of went limp, hands dropping.

"Now I never will." He finished.

Donna practically felt the fight leaving him. She walked over and slowly, she wrapped her arms around him and to her small surprise, he didn't struggle at all, just sank into her and let the tears fall. She didn't know if she regretted asking or if it was a good thing she did. Speaking from experience, talking mostly helped. In this case, Donna wasn't sure anything could really fix this for him. No wonder he had been so shaken that day she met him. It must have been not long after, seeing the state he had been in.

But she didn't want to fix him, just…mend. Let him heal. Because after all, Rose Tyler was still alive. Maybe she wasn't with him, yes. But if she was as brilliant as he said she was, maybe she would find her way back. One day.

And maybe she didn't hear him say he loved her. But Donna would bet her own fast-typing hands that she sure as hell knew it anyway.

But for now, she just let him lean against her and let it all sink down and she told him that Rose knew. Rose Tyler knew that he loved her, even if he was interrupted mid-sentence.

Rose Tyler knew and if it was at all possible, she would find a way back to him.

.

.

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 _ **So! Like it? Hate it? Did you cry? let me know XD. I'm very glad about anything really :)**_


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